I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
