I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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