Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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