i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
