I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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