I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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