I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
