just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
