Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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