His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
you had me at cake vodka
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
