I got her a Nickelback box set.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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