i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
