ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
