so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
