I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
