I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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