How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you had me at cake vodka
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
