You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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