Apparently you make a good broom.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
