I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
