There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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