mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
