I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
