And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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