remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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