I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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