What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
