sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
