last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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