I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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