You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
