i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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