Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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