wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
