Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
