I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
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Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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