highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
