I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
