I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
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we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
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After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
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