Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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