did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
