I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
