It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
