Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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