Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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