im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
