At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
