I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
