you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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