This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize