Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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