I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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