Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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