Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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