What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
