You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
