Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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